How I learned to be more visible
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Accompanying this post are some photos of me modelling over the past three years. It was terrifying, and exhilarating all at once. Terrifying because this is the heaviest weight I have ever been. Because I prefer to be behind the camera than in front of it. Because I shared the stage with tall slim model like companions, and I felt heavy and self conscious every step of the way. And exhilarating because sometimes in life, you gotta do the things that scare the living daylights out of you, and then you know what it means to feel truly alive. But let’s back up - because I wasn’t always the person who could step out on the catwalk in that way.
While I am not going to tell you my life story, I will tell you that I struggled with my weight for several years. I have always found that I put it on easily, but losing it was never easy, and has gotten harder over the years, and in between there has been medical issues such as an underactive thyroid, hormonal imbalances and a fractured ankle (to name a few), and the usual ups and downs that we all face in life. These things have affected my weight, caused me some hair loss, and lowered my confidence. Now, I find myself in my forties at my heaviest weight, and facing other insecurities, such as not being where I want to in life, and wondering when my apartment is going to stop looking like a student lives here. If I am honest, the last thing I want in life most days is visibility.
But the truth is, I had a realization a few years ago which changed my relationship with visibility, but it started even further back when I moved to the UK in my late teens, and I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually noticed that I was Black. Prior to that it wasn’t something that I had given much thought to, but being around my fellow students, I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. Thinking about how it felt to be in the minority, I began to think about growing up in the Caribbean and how I felt about myself being in a place where I was surrounded by people who looked like me. Through my observations while I lived there, and having returned to live in Barbados, I became very aware of the privilege I had growing up here in Barbados. There is so much importance to having representation, and I feel like being able to see myself in those around me who were succeeding professionally and in life was one of the biggest contributors to the person I am today. Here is an excerpt of a piece that I wrote on the day that I had that realization.
I learned the importance of representation – of seeing ourselves reflected in those around us, doing everything. Leading organizations. Running businesses and families. Professionals in many fields. In our classrooms and in charge of our schools. Regardless of the opinions that I held of some of these people, the very fact that they were there reinforced for me the belief that I could do any of those things, and more.
At this stage in my life, I still believe in representation, and I love to promote it in all its forms – from puzzles and/or books that showcase black people in a positive light, to individuals running their own businesses and succeeding in their own rights. But it never occurred to me that I too was part of the process.
Today it dawned on me that I am a part of that representation, and so are many of you reading this, We are the women and men who are in the peripheral vision of our young people. Even though we are competing against the loud voices and images of all forms of media, we are still an important part of the process. How we work and play. How we love our friends and our families. I was reminded today that one of the things that had a huge impact on my life was being immersed in positive images and now I am one. Will I choose to hide away? Constantly criticizing myself for not being as far along as I want to be? Hiding because I don’t look or feel the way I want to? Or will I remain visible just as I am – as I make a positive contribution to my society.
The news is filled almost daily with lots of what is wrong on our island and in our world. In order for what is positive to remain effective, I must remain visible right now, just as I am, and tell my own story of how I worked towards my dreams, to give younger people the belief in their own dreams. By doing this, I can hopefully encourage someone to start just as he/she is, before being ready.
We are a part of the framework for their dreams.
Just as we are. In all our various shapes and sizes, in all professions and in all walks of life. The things we say to them will become their inner voices (paraphrased from Peggy O’Mara). How we speak about them, and about ourselves will be their legacy. Let us do it with pride in who we are right now.
I will remember that even if I am not overjoyed with where I am, there are children everywhere dreaming big dreams and I can be a part of the reason they believe it is possible. I am enough right now. I matter right now. We all do.
Once I had this revelation, in increased my commitment to being visible, and it was uncomfortable! It still is! But when these opportunities arose to be a model, I knew through my resistance that this was what I needed to do, to give representation to those who look like me. I needed to stop hiding. This commitment has grown as I wrote and published my book, and as I share about the topics that are important to me such as mental health. I will take up space.
So to those of you who are reading this - how will you take up space? How can you encourage someone today through your words, your actions, or by simply being the most badass version of yourself? I can’t wait to hear all about it in the comments!
And I send you big love from a small island.
Listen below to me reading this blog post!
PS Please have a listen to my favourite poem by Vanessa Kisuule - Take Up Space