What's on my shelf? Rejection Proof - Jia Jiang
Sometimes, I take book recommendations through hint - that is to say that when the same book shows up in my line of sight multiple times in the same day or week, I pay attention. Rejection Proof was one such book. Despite the fact that this book was published 5 years ago (meaning it wasn’t recent enough that I was listening to people interview the author several times a week) it showed up in my life three separate times in a matter of days. And given that I decided a few weeks ago to work on my fear of rejection (and also what I am afraid that rejection will do to me) it could only be described as divine timing.
The author of the book writes about his own journey with rejection, and how he decided to aim for 100 rejections, in an attempt to make himself rejection proof. I loved his stories of the outrageous asks he made, and got rejected from (or had his proposals accepted!), and the lessons he learned from the process - both about how he made his asks, about how to take rejection, and then how to approach situations so that the rejection stings a little less. I don’t want to give away everything in what is a beautifully written book filled with both philosophy and actionable steps (my favourite kind of book) but here are 5 of my takeaways from it.
Fear of rejection is a part of being human. In recent weeks, as I have had conversations with people about my own fears of rejection, they have asked me the question “what is the worse that could happen?”. This question is designed (I assume) to show me that I won’t actually die from rejection and it is largely an irrational fear, but the truth is - it didn’t feel irrational. And as someone who works with fearful people all day long, I can tell you that when we are afraid it can feel as real to us in our bodies as any physical pain. The book explains this so well, and really speaks to the fact that we all have fears and that feeling is designed to protect us from harm. That truly made me feel better about myself for having this fear, and I stopped feeling like a loser for being afraid of someone else’s opinion. And speaking of this, we move to takeaway 2.
Rejection is about someone else’s opinion, it isn’t actually about you. This is hard to accept in the moment when I feel like the rejection is about me, and take it as a personal statement to who I am, or what I am putting out there. In truth, I thought that my fear of rejection was only about my writing because it was so near and dear to me that it felt like when it was rejected, I was being rejected. But reading the book made me realize that there is so much I don’t ask for out of fear of rejection, and in those moments it is a fear of being personally rejected. It was a great reminder to me that a rejection didn’t say anything about me, it was simply another person’s opinion, and I had not yet met the person who might say yes.
To add to the second takeaway - I get to decide what the rejection means. I get to decide if it means that I am crap, or if it doesn’t mean anything about me at all. Knowing that it is my choice going into the situation, I can begin to practice how I want to respond and remind myself about what I know to be true in that moment which is - it isn’t about me.
A quote that stuck with me from George Bernard Shaw - All great truths begin as blasphemy. It was given as a testament to the fact that some of the best ideas start out as rejections, and that creativity and moving away from the norm is often met with criticism and rejection. So that if I think something is going to be rejected, then it's probably a great idea! That idea gave a nod to an idea that came up in the previous book I read, where the author implored the readers to own and unleash their most dangerous ideas. This is something that I am embracing more.
What would I be willing to be rejected for? This last one is a question that I am thinking about - what idea or goal or ask is important enough to me that I am willing to risk rejection for. Or 3 rejections for. Or 100 rejections. This will ultimately be the test of how important something is to me. Because the truth is - there are things that I have been rejected from that I got up and tried for again and again, and I did it because these things are important enough to me that I know that it is worth trying and trying again.
Ultimately, one of my biggest takeaways from the book is the realization that by being afraid of rejection, there are so many opportunities that I might never get, and experiences I might never have, because I am too afraid to try. So while I am not ready to try for 100 rejections, this year I am willing to try for a few. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Do you fear rejection? Or do you eat it for breakfast? Are there some risks you find easier to take than others? And what is one strategy you use to get past your fears, and take the risks that you need to take to go for the things that are really important to you? Let me know in the comments.
And I send you big love from a small island.
PS and above is a snap shot of some hot cross buns that I very nearly rejected when they came out of the oven. They tasted ok though!