Personal Essay - Stereotypes and stories
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“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open” - Muriel Rukeyser (Käthe Kollwitz)
Think of a stereotype. You got one in your head? Good. Now, think of at least one person you know who goes against that stereotype (and here’s a hint - that person could be you!) I have seen and heard these stereotypes play out in so many ways - they form the backbone of or provide comic relief in films, television, comics and stand up comedy routines. And on the flip side, they can be the foundation of bias and discrimination. Stereotypes can be funny and dangerous, all at the same time.
As someone who has defied one or two stereotypes in my time, and who has been judged by them (and let’s face it - as someone who has definitely judged others by stereotypes), I have seen both sides of what they can create. On the negative side, I have seen how people have felt trapped by the stereotypes that are common about their particular demographic, and how they can cause us to believe that we have a particular destiny. We may believe that no-one will take us seriously because of something about us - like our hair, or gender, or size.
We may believe that we cannot pursue a particular career path, or take a course of action.
We may lack belief in our own abilities to learn, to create, and to excel. And in doing so, we may become self fulfilling prophecies of what “people like us” are able to do.
In addition, we may be placed in those boxes by other people who believe in those stereotypes, and who have their biases reinforced by them, and so this can lead to a similar outcome - people in a group trapped due to their demographic, who face an inordinate uphill battle to even glimpsing at a fair shot.
Or we may even feel that we do conform to a particular stereotype at one time in our life, and when we feel that pull to break free, it can feel difficult - and like we are betraying an entire group of people who we identified with, or like we are losing membership to that club. On the flip side, we may find comfort in stereotypes, and be welcomed into various groups. And there are times when there is truth in some stereotypes, and it can be something that unites us to other people with whom we have things in common.
Or for the rebels like me, a stereotype can be a challenge to step outside of the box, and do something different. No matter what, the truth is that stereotypes are often based on the belief that if x is true then y is also true. I have a good friend who told me that she got her university scholarship based on the belief that if she was 6 feet tall (which she is) that she would be good at basketball (which she was not!) It definitely worked in her favor and gave her opportunities that she might not otherwise have had. But it shows our desire to categorize people, and reduce them to one (or two) dimensions, when the truth is - we are multifaceted people. All introverts are not quiet hermit types (although some of us do groan inwardly every time we have to leave home). All women aren’t natural nurturing types. All of us have multiple identities, histories, and personalities, and these can change over the course of our lives with a change in circumstances and priorities.
And I can understand how we forget this, or don’t even realize it. I recently learned about how stereotypes and bias can even play into the algorithms that play such a part in how we navigate the online space. Algorithms are designed to focus on frequency - so the more that one belief or behaviour is out there, the more focus it gets, until we forget that there are so many other ways to be, because we are surrounded by the signals from one way of being. On top of this, there are many other factors that play into the algorithm, and add to the overarching bias to certain terms being associated with certain demographics. On a personal level, I have recently had this experience being in a virtual space where personal development and entrepreneurship is the order of the day, and the belief that the best way to gain success and freedom is to be an entrepreneur. It took so much energy to poke my head out from this belief and see what else is out there.
The truth is that so many of the stories that are out there are of those who conform to particular stereotypes. It can make us believe that this is the only way to be in the world, and feel shame when we don’t subscribe to that behavior or belief. And I think that one of the most powerful things we can do to tackle the dark side of stereotypes and the bias that can accompany them is to tell our stories. The truth is - I think that there are more of us than anyone would believe who do not feel like we fit into the stereotypes that try to so neatly encapsulate us in a particular behavior or destiny. And that there are many more people who need to know about those of us who don’t fit in, so that they can have the courage not to fit in as well.
What happens when we tell our stories?
We give ourselves the power to own our narratives. There is something about speaking or writing our stories that gives us the power over them, instead of them having the power over us. When our stories have power over us, we can live in shame, and in the fear of others finding out, and judging us because of them. When we tell them - we get to own them. We get to dissolve the shame that we feel. We may learn who is truly judging us (and sometimes we are our own harshest judges) and we get to draw closer to those who are truth tellers and who see their own story in ours.
We give others the gift of knowing they aren’t alone. Yes - there are those who will see aspects of their story in ours, and that can be a source of comfort to both them and to us. Our stories are what connect us.
We disrupt the algorithms that threaten to keep us locked into one way of seeing the world. I am not going to pretend that there isn’t more going on here than just frequency, but I think that the more that our stories are out there the harder it will be to ignore the different ways of the world.
When we tell our stories, we have the potential to destroy the stereotypes that keep us stuck in the belief that we need to be what others want us to be, and we force them to see us for what we truly are.
So - what stories are you telling and owning today? And what is one stereotype that you find you totally resonate with, or one that you feel you are the complete opposite to?
I love hearing from you so comment below, and I send you big love from a small island.
And if you want to tell your story, but you feel fearful about sharing your message, or worry about who would be interested, then consider taking my course Write and release! Click here to learn more.
PS I am about to read Algorithms of Oppression by my namesake Safiya Umoja Noble. I’ll be reviewing this book soon, and would love to know if you have read it!
PPS - Above is the beautiful Animal Flower Cave in St Lucy in Barbados. It is one of my favourite spots on the island!