Writing and my Mental Health

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May is a special month for me! It was in May that I decided to start my blog (once upon a time called 39 and counting) where I wrote 39 lessons I learned before I turned 40 and I just kept on writing. It has changed a lot since then, some changes I am ecstatic about (others not so much) and it has also changed me! More on that in my anniversary blog post in a few days.

May is also mental health month, and while it may be a coincidence that I started my blog in mental health month, I will say that one of the ways that writing changed me, is that it has been essential for my mental health for a number of years now - even before I started this blog. So this year for mental health month, I want to dig a bit deeper into writing and my own mental health so that you can see what it looks like. And spoiler alert - it doesn’t look the way that you would imagine.

Sometime ago, I wrote a post about my journaling experiment. I decided to take a stab at journaling consistently for 30 days (I made it to 36) with future casting, affirmations and other forms of mindset building. This was the longest journaling stint I ever had, as I have never been a fan of journaling.

You can read more about my actual journaling attempt when you are done reading this one - I’ll link again at the bottom of this post - but one of my favourite conversations about why journaling isn’t really my thing, was one that I had with season 1 guest of Writing Black Joy - Ally Rose. 

Ally is founder & owner of Your Story Matters and the author of The Divine Pause: An invitation to reflect, recenter and reconnect with your Inner Wisdom in the midst of our noisy world, one affirmation and reflection at a time. She is also a great friend and we had a fantastic time talking about why she thinks Writing Black Joy is important, as well as her own relationship to journaling. 

Ally once told me that the thing she loves about writing in her journal is that she made a commitment to herself that she would always tell herself the truth in those pages. She even said that she has given strict instructions that they be burned if anything happens to her! 

I think that this is really and truly the secret to the usefulness of journaling for mental health. I have actually been thinking about it for a while, since my conversation with Ally, my own journaling experiment and since another good friend (and Writing Black Joy guest) Javacia Harris-Bowser dived deeper into her own journaling practice in 2020. I actually have so many friends who love their journaling practices, and find them transformative. Many of them are writers but some aren’t. And the truth is - many types of journaling have been shown to have tremendous positive effects on mental health. 

But I think the key is - you need to be willing to tell yourself the truth. 

When Ally and I talked about why writing in general can have such magical effects on us, I love the metaphor she used to describe it. Ally says:

“When I talk about tapping in - I almost imagine that our bodies have different parts, or are divided into different cavities, and sometimes the doors are open and sometimes the doors are closed. I think writing has the ability to tap into some of those caverns that might otherwise be closed off. I have people use writing a lot in the work that I do with them for that very reason, because I know that writing taps into something different.”

I loved this description of open and closed doors within us, and how writing allows us to tap into and open different places within us that might otherwise be closed. I definitely feel that way. And the cavities or compartments can be so many things. They can be dreams and hopes and visions. They can be hurt and pain I have experienced. Rejection. Betrayal. Loss. They can be emotions I have. Desires that feel inappropriate. And so much more. Often I feel like there is so much inside me that there isn’t space for in the world of adulting.

Instead, I feel as though I have to compartmentalise in life and in work, closing the doors inside me to certain things in order to function every day. And the past 2 years have definitely required a lot more compartmentalising for me. But I find that my own mental health suffers and gets worn down when I just focus on functioning every day, dealing with the nonsense and putting out fires on a surface level, while burying the other things, and closing them off. 

Sometimes it feels like a Catch 22. I need to function. I need to do my day job, and do client work, and cook and clean and do laundry, and supermarket and all the other adulting things. And in the process of doing those things, I need to be calm and friendly, and I need to be a good listener and organised etc. So in order to do those things, I close the doors. But at some point, if I don’t deal with those things that I have closed the doors on, they begin to leak out, making me irritable and isolated and grumpy, and also removing my desire to leave home, cook and eat anything that isn’t covered in chocolate. As I have written about before, the very things that would improve my mental health are the things that I have no desire to do when it slips.

There are many ways to deal with and process these things. For some folks, they find various types of therapy or other professionals help. I know a number of folks who have varying spiritual practices that help, and honestly I have become fascinated over the past couple of years with how people’s beliefs and spiritual practices - whatever they may be - are helpful to them in daily life, and in preserving their own mental health. I have tried some of these over the years. But very few of them have the power to tap in for me, and open those doors. Very few of them are spaces where I feel comfortable enough to tell the truth.

But for me, writing is different. I sometimes even feel like a different person when I am writing. And one thing Ally and I talked about was that while she feels that she can be honest in her journal, and it’s a place where those doors are open, I find that journaling doesn’t open those doors for me.

But when I write fiction, it’s an entirely different experience. I actually feel so much more open and free. Doors that otherwise feel closed suddenly open. I feel that I can explore ideas, scenarios, desires and beliefs that I didn’t even know I had. I can have conversations that I might not have in real life and take them in any direction I want. I can watch things play out and I can reflect on myself through building out my characters, and worlds - even when I am writing about real places. Sometimes I transform as I write, seeing scenarios with fresh eyes. I have the space to experiment, to try and fail without any real consequences. It is almost as if I can float above it all, observing and holding a more objective view than when I feel steeped in it. I can externalize it and think about it as a more neutral outsider - in a way that doesn’t happen when I am journaling. 

I’ll just come out and say it! Journaling feels a bit too close to real life for me 

Another reason I loved Ally’s door metaphor is that sometimes, I can almost actually feel the doors closing - and this can happen when I am writing copy for my business, or writing to a brief, and  it definitely happens when journaling. Ally likened the feeling of openness I feel during writing fiction to the openness that we both feel when listening to someone else being coached - like during a podcast we both listen to, or when in a group coaching session. 

I have found that in situations such as these, my doors are definitely open, my walls are down in a completely different way than when I am being coached (when I can sometimes feel protective or defensive) or sometimes in therapy, as well as when I am journaling. I feel like I spend most of the time questioning myself. Is this deep enough? How about now. Now? Should I be writing this? Or something else? Is this right? 

Ally could immediately understand how I was feeling, and validated my somewhat strange confession that I write more truth when I write fiction than when I am journaling! So if you are reading this and nodding along, let me pass that validation on to you! 

The truth is - we all have different ways of tapping in! Some of us write poetry, some of us journal, and some of us write music. Some of us are verbal processors and dive deep during a coaching conversation or even chatting with friends. And some of us use the stories of others to provide that reflection, through reading books - fiction and non-fiction - listening to music, and through writing fiction - like me! 

I love the diverse ways that we all tap into the parts of ourselves that might otherwise be closed off, the emotions that we might not be allowing ourselves to feel, and reflecting on thoughts and beliefs that we might ultimately decide to release. For me it’s fiction, and sometimes a personal essay, and once a year or so, a poem comes to me. 

And it also doesn’t hurt that I love writing these things, and I have also found that making the time and space to do the things I love has also been great for my mental health.

So that’s me! Writing has been a great delight for me over the past few years, and it is something I have learned to make time and space for - even when it feels like there is no time for it - because I definitely feel better when I do. I thought I’d share a little insight for you this mental health month. I am not a mental health professional, so I always prefer to share my own stories at this time rather than “advice”. I hope that it makes you think about your own mental health in a new way, and what really helps you tap into the areas of yourself that need the doors open to provide you with better mental health. 

I hope that it reminds you that there are so many ways to do it, and if one way doesn’t work, try another. There are so many different types of therapy, and different therapists. There are so many different ways to write and journal. There are so many ways to allow yourself to have those desires and emotions and feelings that you feel like you have closed the door on without guilt and shame.

There are so many ways to tell yourself the truth. And my wish for you this and every month is that you find a safe space to do it.

And I send you big love from a small island.

PS Check out my Journaling experiment blog post here.

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